How to Heal from Childhood Trauma and Attachment Wounds
Where Childhood Trauma and Attachment Wounds Originate
The first step in healing from childhood trauma is acknowledgment. Everyone carries wounds from their upbringing, as no parent or caregiver is perfect. While mistakes are part of being human, some parents may be abusive or neglectful. What matters most is the child’s perception, as feelings of abandonment, neglect, or rejection can deeply impact their sense of self-worth.
Children internalize how they are treated, shaping their identity and self-esteem. However, they often don’t understand these feelings until later in life, usually during preadolescence or early adulthood. It’s then that they begin to sense something feels “off” but can’t explain why, unaware of how early attachments with parents impact future personal and professional relationships.
How to Heal: The Next Step is to Heal Thyself
The path to healing begins with reparenting yourself. This process requires some professional assistance. Whether you’re single, in a relationship, married, with or without children, focusing on your own growth is key. It’s never too late to heal.
Unresolved childhood issues often resurface in relationships, marriage or parenting, and mistakes can bring feelings of guilt or shame. We might feel guilty for blaming our parents or ashamed of our own parenting mistakes. But those feelings shouldn’t hold us back; they can motivate us to understand our upbringing and the emotional skills we lacked because they were not modeled for us.
Phrases like “children should be seen, not heard” or “quit being so dramatic” don’t teach emotional regulation or self-soothing; they create attachment wounds that hinder emotional growth. These statements invalidate a child’s feelings, preventing them from learning how to understand and manage their emotions. Rather than fostering emotional regulation, they discourage self-expression and may lead the child to suppress their feelings. Over time, this emotional suppression can result in unresolved wounds that affect adult behavior, such as people-pleasing, avoidance, or difficulty trusting others. These patterns persist until we confront them.
Emotional wounds from childhood can shape how we interact with the world and others. These patterns stem from unmet emotional needs in formative years. The more we understand and work through these emotional blockages, the more we can break the cycle and heal those wounds.
Forgiveness and Restoration: Final Steps
Healing includes confronting, forgiving, and moving forward. For some, reconciliation with their parents may never be possible due to reasons like a parent’s passing, poor health, or the trauma of facing an abuser. However, even without direct reconciliation, healing and forgiveness are still possible.
As adults, we can become the best version of a parent to ourselves. If reconciliation is possible, it’s essential to establish clear boundaries and rules for engagement. Healthy reconciliation looks like this:
- Acknowledgment of hurt – Both parties must recognize the pain caused.
- Genuine remorse – There must be a true expression of regret for past actions.
- Request for apology – Apologies should come willingly, not be demanded.
- Accountability – Both sides must be willing to be held accountable for any re-injury or repeated wrongs.
The process should be respectful and calm. Successful reconciliation requires communication, free from character attacks, profanity, raised voices, or silent treatment—behaviors that mimic rejection or abandonment. Using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel upset, I need a break”) fosters healthier communication and emotional regulation. This applies to both adults and children, as adults must model emotional health for younger generations.
Protection and Prevention: Guarding the Next Generation
From my work with patients and my own healing journey, a common truth emerges: We all need to feel loved, seen, known, and supported. Parents must first model these qualities to their children. When mistakes happen, it’s crucial for parents to acknowledge the hurt caused, apologize, and take responsibility for their actions. By setting the example, children learn to trust.
When attempting to restore the relationship, it’s vital to allow time and space for rebuilding trust. Both parties need to be patient, committed to learning new communication skills, and setting healthy boundaries. In cases of exploitation, maintaining respect while enforcing firm boundaries is key.
The goal is not to prove right or wrong but to improve the relationship with better communication tools. Ultimately, to have healthy relationships with others, we must first have a healthy relationship with ourselves. Healing is always possible, no matter the age, and it requires humility, kindness, and mutual respect.
We all have the potential to learn from our past experiences and pass those lessons on to the next generation. In doing so, we can help prevent childhood trauma and attachment wounds, providing the tools needed for healthier relationships and emotional growth.
Read Jamie’s story of Healing From Childhood Trauma.
Disclaimer
The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider for personal advice and treatment.
Dr. Ladan Goble is a board-certified psychiatrist with over 25 years of experience in mental health. She is passionate about helping individuals lead fulfilling lives and provides compassionate care and evidence-based treatment.
Dr. Goble is accepting new patients in her Scottsdale, Arizona office. To schedule an appointment, please call 480.661.3877.
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